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Fabio: After dark
21/07/09 || Daemonomania
THE LEGEND: There is a great story, old as the hills, from the ancient tomes of heavy metal. It deals with the thunderous battle waged between the New York mangods Manowar and a shadowy, muscular figure known by one name only. Why did they fight? For the Warriors of the World feared that the Milanese model’s new musical creation would unseat them from the lofty throne of power. So they armed themselves with sword and spear and tanning lotion. And with great vigor did they clash! The air was alight with furious sparks of steel, much rippling of biceps, and the sliding slippery noise that comes from oiled hairless chests rubbing together.
In the end, after miles of countryside had been destroyed, both parties fell back on their heels and regarded each other. In a thick accent, the shadowy lion-man spake, “I can’t believe I did not defeat you, Manowar! You are as strong and as metal as your lyrics suggest!” And with admiration Manowar’s bandmembers said with one voice, “Hail to thee, for you are quite the strong and sexy warrior yourself. What do we call you, O goldenhaired wearer of strappy sandals?” The mystery man turned, showing his toned gluts, and tossed both his permed mane and one word over his shoulder…
Fabio!
Both parties reached a tacit agreement that Fabio would not release a metal album to avoid endangering Manowar, and that Manowar would not release an album full of elevator music and love advice to avoid slighting Fabio. So that’s how Fabio relates to metal. Please don’t ask again, ok, because the above story is totally true. Ask Manowar. They respect Fabio bigtime. They’ll tell you all about it.
THE REVIEW: I’ll bet you thought you were a smooth motherfucker, didn’t you? Bad news pal, you’ve got a lot to learn. And who better to teach you than Fabio – dreamboat extraordinaire? You heard me right. The MANIMAL himself put together an album in 1993 not only to help you bag the broads but also to help the broads “bag” themselves over a few glasses of wine, lonely tears, and starchy foods.
Let’s get this out of the way right now: 99.9% of the actual music on here is so unbelievably atrocious that even someone deep in a coma would twitch to life and hit the stop button if it was playing next to his/her hospital bed. The only two songs that have any merit are Barry White’s “I like you, you like me” which is a sloppy knucklechild at best. Then there’s the Fab’s soon to be hit single “When somebody loves somebody.” What can I say? This has to be one of the absolute greatest comedy hits of all time! Every studio musician involved probably went home and shot themselves in the genitals immediately after it was recorded. They weren’t laughing. Not at all.
What really makes “After dark” worth the 99 cents I paid for it is Fabio’s monologues. He rambles over cheeseball keyboards about the subjects closest to his meaty pecks – romance, slow dancing, tropical islands, being teh gay. Minus the last one. We wouldn’t want to destroy the illusion, now would we? If you can keep a straight face while Fabio talks about presenting his woman with a plane ticket, her toothbrush, and a bikini (“On surprises”) then you’re one kvlt bastard.
While I’m sure this is a cynical attempt to harness the music purchasing power of the ladies who buy paperbacks with an airbrushed Beef McStudcakes popping out in 3D from the cover, guys can learn a lot from Fabio too. Did you know that women like to see romantic movies, or that they enjoy a dude with a good sense of humor? Amazing. You’ve learned something from the other Italian Stallion already.
So the sexiest man alive can take you to the door, but he can’t make you step inside. Keep in mind, however, that the type of female you’ll attract with “After dark” is best visited, well, uh, after dark. As the old proverb reads: “fat chicks are like scooters – they’re fun until your friends see you riding them.” Don’t let that dissuade you though. Just ‘cause it looks like you’re diving into a pool of ten gallon ziplock bags stuffed to bursting with ricotta cheese doesn’t mean you’re not having a good time. 10 out of 10 for the monologues, 1 out of 10 for the tunes.
THE EPILOGUE: Now you have read the astounding and completely accurate tale of Fabio’s clash with Manowar in the early 90’s which decimated the English countryside (forgot to mention that earlier). And you have experienced great mirth at the awesome and incredibly funny review above. Now go forth and honor men greater than you, and make passionate love to the heaviest of women.
- Information
- Released: 1993
- Label: Scotti Bros.
- Website: www.fabioifc.com
- Band
- Fabio: pure, leonine, smooth unadulterated manliness
- Other people: slurping a dump out of a can
- Tracklist
- 01. Fabio: About Romance
- 02. Suddenly – Billy Ocean
- 03. Fabio: On Inner Beauty
- 04. Tender Love – Force M.D.‘s
- 05. Fabio: On Films
- 06. Reservations for Two – Kashif, Dionne Warwick
- 07. Fabio: On Tropical Islands
- 08. Can’t Wait Another Minute – Hi-Five
- 09. Fabio: When Somebody Loves Somebody
- 10. Fabio: On Humor
- 11. Let’s Put It All Together – The Stylistics
- 12. Fabio: On Surprises
- 13. Maldive Sunset [Instrumental]
- 14. Fabio: On Slow Dancing
- 15. Songbird [Instrumental]
- 16. I Like You, You Like Me – Barry White
- 17. Fabio: Ciao
